I just read Lucy’s mama’s recent blog entry. ( http://www.erikandkatekrull.blogspot.com/ )I understand very well how she is feeling right now and I know how much it hurts. Watching someone you love, especially a child, is something that is so incredibly difficult to do. I haven’t lost a child but there was a time I lost something very important. The loss of my mother to Cancer, if you’ve kept up with me, really hurt me a lot inside. It was a numbing thing to happen to me, I couldn’t imagine losing a child. The loss of her was great, but I lost something else that morning. I lost faith in God. I’m not proud to admit it. I never thought that He didn’t exist, I was just very angry at Him. I couldn’t understand why He let her suffer, why He lets anyone suffer. I mean, after all, He is the One that created us right? Why would He let us hurt so horribly? IF He knows everything inside us: Our mind, our heart, and our soul. If He knows our fate and what will become of us, why does He allow such pain to be around? He could take it away just as easily as we got it and everything would be fine. It, unfortunately, does not work like that though.
I wasn’t just a little ticked off at God: I was full blown fuming. I remember one day in particular when I yelled at Him. I don’t remember what I said exactly but what I remember is taking my crucifix, tearing it off my neck, and hurling it across the room. I still have no idea where that cross is. I never doubted His existence, but what I did was far worse. I completely ignored God for a long time. I didn’t talk to Him, I didn’t care. I figured, in my mind, that if He could just let our family hurt so much, then why should I pay Him any attention?
About four years ago, I came back to God. It wasn’t easy. I felt completely convicted of how I had acted towards Him for a good portion of my life. I begged for forgiveness and I returned to Him. He didn’t have to let me back in but God is a God of forgiveness, thankfully.
This verse gives me hope: “I, even I, am He who blots out your transgressions, for my own sake, and remembers your sins no more.” Sins are no longer “kept on file”, record is blotted out, destroyed. God cannot “forget” like in human error, but He chooses to “not remember.” Isaiah 43:25
God chooses not to remember what I’ve done, what I’ve said in years past because He does love me. It all falls into the three gifts He has given us. Faith, hope, and love. “And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.” 1 Corinthians 13:13
I believe I know why He says that love is the greatest of all. Faith can be tried and tested. It can be lost and broken , just as hope can be. Faith and Hope are very strong things to have but Love is the greatest of these things because even if we happen to lose the other two, we can gain it back through the Love of God.
Just as I remember the day that my anger was unleashed on God, I remember the day I came back. I sat on the couch and it was quiet and I was alone. I stared at this picture of Jesus. I am pretty sure it wasn’t the same Jesus that lived so long ago and died for our sins, but I still stared at Him. I thought so very hard and couldn’t keep my eyes of His. I don’t know why, but all of a sudden I started to cry for everything I had done wrong. I begged for forgiveness for the sins I committed against Him. I was so remorseful for being so angry.
The road to believing in God is not an easy road to tread upon. You will have your heart broken and there are going to be so many moments that your faith is tested. One thing that is always there though is His love. It took God’s love to take my heart of stone and turn it into a heart of flesh, to see the truth, and to realize that my mama was in pain and He was being merciful in taking her. It was her time to go and in truth, even though she was my mama, she belonged to someone so much greater and someone so much better. I didn’t lose my mama but God just called her home. I see that now. She belonged to Him all along and He saved her from her pain.
I have done a lot of things in my life I’d rather not remember and wish I hadn’t of done. In truth though, it has made me who I am today and I suppose I wouldn’t change it. The pain and the heartache has made me closer to God and realize how much He matters to me. I don’t have all the answers, nor will I pretend to, but what I do know is simple: God loves me and He loves all His creation. At the moment, we’re temporarily separated from Him because of sin. Sins are something God doesn’t tolerate and He wants us to be clean. He made this possible for sending His son down to earth so long ago to die for those sins, that way when we stand before Him (if we believe in Him and love Him), He will see Jesus’ righteousness imbued upon us.
As I’ve said, it’s not an easy road to travel. There are so many trials but it is so worth it. Nothing worth it is every easy I find. I am blessed and thankful that God put His hand on my heart.
“A new heart also will I give you, and a new spirit will I put within you: and I will take away the stony heart out of your flesh, and I will give you an heart of flesh. And I will put My Spirit within you, and cause you to walk in My Statutes, and ye shall keep My Judgments, and do them… Without Me ye can do nothing” (Ezekiel 36:26-27; John 15:5).