Finding My Way

I have found myself thinking over the last year. The year 2013 was not that kind to me in the way of certain things I wanted to accomplish. I am pretty sure everyone has a rough patch in their lives and I suppose that was to be the year for mine. It really isn’t a surprise to me because I have this fickle thing about odd years and I also happened to be 31 at the time. It probably is a strange way to look at things, then again I never said I wasn’t odd, but I was more happy to turn 32 and to see 2014 come into play.

I have been searching for a place to hang my hat as far as work goes lately and everything seems to come up a bust. I graduated from college last year and, naive as I was and still am at times, I thought that piece of paper would be the answer to all my prayers. Alas, it is February and still nothing. I have made myself a promise though for this year. I won’t get depressed and I won’t do what I did last year in pushing people away. If you ask why I do that, I haven’t the faintest idea. I would throw a guess that it’s because I’m introverted and that’s just how I deal with things. I tend to let my thoughts overcome that and that means I haven’t written anything new I’m proud of in a nearly a year.

So as far as last year goes, I am basically saying I’m writing it off in the accounting ledger books under “losses”. But, I don’t think it was entirely in vain. I did take something away from it that was positive.

I still have a roof over my head and a husband that loves me.

Yes, everyone says that.

Really, though. Aren’t we all richer than we think we are?

I watched this man named John Chow. In his video, he outlines why we are better off than we truly realize. I don’t really have want for much in the way of basic necessities that some people don’t even have. That doesn’t make me feel like a queen, of course, but it makes me wish that I could give those who don’t have something to eat a good meal.

Here’s the video. It’s very enlightening.

Another thing I took away is that I’m starting to realize is that I don’t need negative people in my life. Ever since I can remember, I’ve worried about what others thought and when Facebook came along that was a double edged sword. I had this problem, you see. It was brought up to me by a close friend of mine. I felt that I had to explain myself for every decision I made. I don’t need to do that anymore. I’m learning something new and I love doing such things. I’ve learned that in order to be truly happy, I should change my attitude and outlook on life.

I’m going to fail.

I’m human. I have certain things I want to do and other things I don’t want to do.

I want to do something with my life that is meaningful because I can’t say for certainty that I will be here next year. There is a chance I will be, of course, but also there’s a chance I won’t be either.

What’s the sense of worrying why this person unfriended me?

Why worry what a classmate from years ago thinks of me today?

It really doesn’t matter because at the end of the day, they’re simply not here living my life and I’m not living their life. I can only do what’s right for me. So, what is that?

Down deep, what and who I really am is quite simple. I’m Susan. I like to read and tell jokes. I love to laugh and be around people that don’t bring conflict to my doorstep. When I’m sad, I would rather be alone but that has nothing to do with anyone else. So, don’t take it personally. I’m not always happy but I do try to be most of the time. I hate arguing about religion and politics which has been the catalyst for lots of ill will thrown at me. My views and the way I interpret things has nothing to do with anyone else. They are mine and I own those.

I love this quote:

“Times change and so must I.
We all change. When you think about, it we’re all different people all through our lives and that’s OK. That’s good. Gotta keep it moving, so long as you remember all the people that you used to be.” ~Eleventh Doctor

I remember so much of my life and I’ll take those memories with me for the rest of my days.

Today and here on out, I am making a promise or two to myself and to you.

I am going to stop thinking I have to explain myself all the time. I am not going to brood over rejection letters that I get from jobs. I am going to find the good in life because there is so much good out there if we look hard enough. A giant smile will go across my face when I see my book for sale officially. Even if I sell just one copy, it will truly be worth it to me because in each of those poems in my book is a part of me and who I used to be. They represent a part of my life – the good, the bad, and the very ugly. Perhaps someone will be able to take something away from it if they’re hurting, sad, or just need to know they aren’t the only one that ever had to go through this and “she’s still here”.

I did make it to the other side and I’ll keep moving on. If I make it another thirty something years, I’ll be very surprised and pleasantly so. If not, I just hope to God that I make it to Heaven.

That was more than two promises, wasn’t it?

Thanks so much for reading this ramble. I hope you all have a pleasant weekend and Happy Valentine’s Day.

Love,

Susan…

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