Dear Mom

Dear Mama,

It’s been nearly 20 years since I’ve heard your voice or spoken to you. Yet, through a random prompt on the internet I stumbled upon today, I’m writing you a letter.

There are a lot of “somethings” I wish I could tell you and questions to ask you. If you could see me right now, I wouldn’t have to tell you how much I’ve missed you. My eyes surely show it. I’m often told they’re identical to your eyes – we have the same eyes, nose, and mannerisms.

To say that I love you would be something I told you every day for 14 years because it was our thing. You always made it a point to tell each other and show one another. You, Daddy, Clayton, and myself. It was how we were raised and I think you did a pretty good job.

I miss you.

I have to say it and tell you that because it breaks my heart that I can’t touch you, hug you, or kiss you. You knew what this was like because you grew up like I did. Your mom also passed away when you were young and I remember hearing you in the next room crying out for her when the cancer was hurting you so damned bad.

I was taught love by you but I swear I hate cancer. I really do.

If it were a person, I would want to positively beat the living hell out of it.

So, to ask you how can I stop hurting from losing you wouldn’t do much good because I know you loved your mom as much as I love you.

You taught me how to cook. How to peel potatoes and clean the house. You taught me how to always do my best and not to be afraid of making a mistake because that’s how we learn.

You taught me kindness and how to treat another human, even if they hurt you and bully you, with that kindness.

Always smile.

Even when it hurts, smiling and being happy is always important.

But what do I want to tell you?

I had you for 14 years and that’s all I got but you gave me so much in knowledge, compassion, and love. You gave me a little brother who I can cry on when I hurt so bad and there’s not another soul in this world I can trust. You met a man that’s my Daddy and he’s been absolutely brilliant through this journey.

For all that, I want to say thank you so much. It wasn’t the time that mattered I got with you but the person you were and how you taught me to be.

I love you so much and I’ve missed you every second you’ve been gone. Every tear that escapes me is filled with that love, pain from missing you, and the hope one day we will meet again.

Thank you for loving me before I was born and wanting me to be born. I always knew that I was wanted and loved – lots of kids don’t have that blessing and I hate that for them.

I will never forget you and what you’ve taught me and Clayton.

We’ve done right by what you wanted, what you asked us before you passed. We’ve stuck together and are friends. He and I’ve both cried on each other and become one another’s rock.

He knows of Papa Sandy – your dad and I often tell him the stories.

We remember the Bible verse you told us and wrote to us in your last letter. John 3:16

I am so thankful that I am your daughter. I love you.

God, how I love you.

That’s what I want to tell you.

Because it has been far too long since I’ve been able to.

Love, your daughter,

Susan Michelle.