When I saw today’s one word prompt, it left me kind of sitting here, tapping my finger on the J key, and wondering if I should write this post. Well, maybe write it… but to post it?
A feeling of absolute sorrow, sadness, and despair because one’s expected outcome didn’t get fulfilled. The pain that comes along with that can be sharp and dull to the point you understand why it’s called heartbreak. A very human emotion that, more times than not, can be caused by another fellow human being.
The last month, I’ve become a bit more open as to what I’ve been doing lately in trying to seek out help with a Therapist for my anxiety issues and being out and about. I talked about that more in depth in my previous posts: How do you ask for help and Why We Fight.
The proverbial straw that broke the camel’s back was a succession of things over the last year and a half. I’ve actually been a bit, ok – fine, a LOT like a Hermit the since 2013. I got the idea that being around people was bad and I, admittedly, did all I could not to socialize so much. In the end, that only made that wound worse. My fallback is finding comfort in food and, in doing so, I’m now at a place where I’m trying to fix that problem. However, last summer when I started a job at a factory didn’t go well. The person training me went out of her way to comment on my weight.
It left me shocked and I decided not to be there any longer. My mind went back to high school when I was picked on for just about everything you could think of – my paleness, shyness, weight, and anything remotely different about me.
So, I went on to find other work and, again, when I actually had to talk to people, I would get this deep feeling of dread. My stomach would tense and my head would get light. It got to the point that when I was trying to help a customer on the phone, I started shaking and couldn’t make it stop. I knew, logically, she couldn’t see me or had a clue as to what I looked like but it was driving me up a wall to talk to this stranger. Or rather, her yelling at me and me trying all I could to make her calm down.
I don’t do well with loud voices or noises. It’s a lot of work trying to remain calm if a fire alarm goes off in my world.
I wound up writing a letter of resignation and not going back to the job. So, again with the running.
The one thing that I enjoyed doing is, was, and will always be writing. So, I needed to work and I want to which led me to decide to go on a website that lets you find work as a freelancer to write people articles. I was astounded that I got an offer nearly automatically of this person that wanted me to work on numerous articles per day and he’d pay me $500 a week.
Now, at this point, my Granny’s voice from long ago whispered in my head, “If it sounds too good to be true, then it probably is.” That was the logical, smart advice. But, I told it to be quiet because it just had to be real.
I wanted it to be real.
So, for two weeks I worked for this…human.
When it came to pay, and I think you know where this story goes, I got stiffed.
Now, the jobs that I had resigned from (i.e., ran away from) up until this point was of something I had worked before previously in the customer service field.
This was my writing. I plugged away all day, often forgetting to eat up until dinner, for those two weeks. I made sure that my writing was tip top and polished.
And it felt so….soul crushing.
Disappointing. Sadness. All of those synonyms and the definition, yes. But the actual way it feels.
The thing is though, this time I could not run away per se. I couldn’t tell my boss that because this person had totally been the one to take my work for their own advantage and slap me in the face with it.
For all of December 2015, after this happened, I was in one hell of a zombie state. I’d wake up for a few hours and sleep at very weird times. It wasn’t unusual for me to be out for 24 hours for a long rest. I’d put my phone on silent or, sometimes, not even bother to charge the thing up.
My husband was rightfully concerned and we had a long talk towards the end of the year. I had to work through this and not give up.
Not yet. Not ever.
I wanted to try again and not throw in the towel completely and that’s when he and I agreed I needed to talk to someone. Get some help.
It isn’t weak to do that – asking for outside help and guidance.
At first, I thought there was – no doubt about that. I was wrongfully disappointed, as I called to make an appointment, with myself for letting myself get to this point where I needed professional guidance. But the thing is, it’s the best thing I’ve ever decided on and I am extremely grateful that my husband encouraged me to seek out a doctor.
I’ve been seeing him since January and I haven’t run away. I don’t plan on it either.
So far, the tools and knowledge he’s given me has been of tremendous help. Helping me retouch on those things and ideals that are important to me. Helping me to find a way to love myself again and it’s not selfish to do that – to care for yourself.
While it is good to have support from others, in the end it is yourself that you have to look at in the mirror. The love for yourself has to come from the inside and I don’t mean that in a corny sort of way. I’ve been so lost in trying to please everyone else, worrying about their perception of me, and all the while I had forgotten about me.
As I do continue on that journey, I am finding myself actually going out during the day – in the sunlight – around people. I’m able to smile at perfect strangers and have a small chat with the cashier. There’s a quote that says to do something every day that scares you.
Doing these sorts of things over the past few years have left me feeling apprehensive but I am getting better every day with it. Small steps but every journey starts with the first step, right?
So, am I going to post this to my blog?
If you’re reading this, then the answer is yes and the reason why is because I know, deep down, that someone out there is feeling like I did and I do still have the potential to feel that way at times. But I’ll keep fighting that instinct to run when things get rocky.
Remember, you’re really not alone.
And what do you do with all that disappointment and pain?
I think this quote says it best:
Thank you so much for stopping by to visit my blog and I hope that this has helped someone in some way.
Sending you all love,
P.S. Make Every Day The Best Day Of Your Life.