Since the beginning of the year, I’ve known that I’ve needed to make a few changes in my life and come to terms with my anxiety issues and tendency of becoming depressed when something happens. The big thing I’m trying to fix is not falling into the temptation of running away when something unpleasant happens.
So far, Dr. Jeff has helped me tremendously but he did ask me a few weeks ago at one of our sessions what I would do if I got bad news.
How would I handle it?
That was his question.
Up until now, nothing too terrible has happened to drive my mind a bit on the wonky side. The mind of an introvert is… kind of a pain in the backside, really.
When I’m writing, it’s great to have that gift because my characters can have conversations in dialogue form and I can map out the entire interaction between them.
However, that gift can become a bit of a curse. In my day to day life, I know I tend to overanalyze. That’s what happened yesterday.
I had this phone interview and I thought everything went well – the lady seemed to like me and my qualifications. We talked last Friday for this and she said I’d know something next week but probably sooner. I thought that was, also, a good sign.
So, I let myself get my hopes up pretty high. I really shouldn’t do that. I got an email yesterday that they decided to go with other candidates and they encourage me to apply for other positions. My brain didn’t see the good parts in the email. My mind was thinking all the terrible things:
Why wasn’t I good enough? What did I do wrong? Did I cough? Did I sneeze?
Our minds – mine anyway – can have this strange knack for taking things a bit too far and mine certainly did last night.
Then, my friend and I talked about it and he said that I failed to get that job but there are others out there. Want to take a guess what my ears heard the first time?
Fail. As in ‘failure’. As in… another failure.
So, the mind brain decided to start pestering me and I didn’t get any sleep last night. With the ‘why should I even try’ and ‘you’re really not good enough’.
But, see… I don’t want it to be that way.
I made a promise to myself earlier this year to stop running and going into solitude. To knock that crap off because it isn’t serving me well at all and I don’t want to get back to the point where I don’t charge my phone and not talk to people. If I did that, I could miss a call for another potential job.
Going into a deep bout of solitude – that’s not logical right now.
I’ve come too far in this part of the journey to stop now.
The voices of self-doubt are going to be there to nag me. I just have to figure out a way to tell them to be quiet because it’s not over yet. It’s just one part and doesn’t define the bigger picture.
Perhaps there were better, more qualified candidates and they had to do what was best for the business. If Dr. Jeff were here, he’d tell me to not take it personally because of that very reason.
I may just have to make a big sticky note and put that on my computer as well as other places around the house.
“Don’t take things so personal.”
While I do enjoy my alone time, those moments of being to myself, I don’t need to use that as a coping mechanism anymore. It only pours salt on the wound and worsens my anxiety in the long run.
I’m still working on my masterpiece. Trying to be the best that I can be and it’s not always easy. But I tell you one thing.
It’ll be completely worth it in the end.
I hope you all have a fantastic day and thank you for visiting.
P.S. A few other posts about me dealing with this anxiety/depression issue can be found here:
P.S.S. My pick me up song for today.