Retrospectively Thinking About My Depression

When the new day starts in a few hours where I’m at, 165 days will have passed so far for this year. It seems like we just kicked off the new year and I could tell that it would be different at the start. I didn’t know quite how at the time but I felt that it would be.

And I’ve been mostly quiet this year aside from the occasional blog post about my favorite show that I wrote back in April. And from February until the end of last month – May – I have been going on a spiritual walkabout and looking inside to figure out a lot of things. I had to take a break from a lot of things like this blog and my website. I needed to so I could figure out what was going in my mind, heart, and soul and get that on the right track.

If you’ve followed me for a while, I have spoken a lot about my time with a therapist back in Kentucky and the social anxiety as well as depression I had going on prior to my divorce. When that was an actual thing, I had to leave my therapist behind and my friends to move back to my hometown. I remember doing my taxes that year and it said did you have any big life changing events. Turns out, I had quite a few and I did them all at once.

  • Relocation
  • Divorce
  • Bankruptcy

That’s not to mention that when I got back, Dad had to go straight to the hospital because he ended up getting an infection on the lead wires of his heart. It did seem like so much going on but he is doing better now than he has in awhile. That was back in the latter part of 2016.

I wanted to do what my passion was and start focusing on my Tarot – maybe even start teaching it which I still want to do. Things don’t work out like you want them, especially when you’re going through all those big life events without a therapist. Somehow, I thought the six months I’d seen Jeff was enough to make do with and that couldn’t have been further from the truth.

I still had terrifying thoughts about not wanting to even be on this planet and, somehow, my brain would convince me that I’d be better off not here. The earlier part of this year, I did plan out my own funeral.

It was bad.

Really, really bad.

The logical side of my brain started working again and I knew that I shouldn’t think in that way. I had to get this tended to because, even though I started feeling quite indifferent to even being on this planet, there was still a part of me that loved things about life.

  • My dogs and cat.
  • My family – even if they don’t understand me. Seriously, I don’t even understand myself half the time.
  • Tarot Cards
  • The Bible
  • The smell of the air after a rainstorm.
  • Fresh flowers blooming in the yard.

And so much more that I do love about this and I had to remind myself of that and go inside my brain to look for those things in a retrospective way.

I also had to get real with myself. I needed help and my cousin encouraged me to reach out to the Care Services here in town. I have been seeing this therapist for the last few months now and I am getting so much out of our sessions. I do journal as part of my homework and, though I’m not writing loads of things here, I am handwriting in my journal my cousin got for me. I also am seeing a psychiatrist and have been diagnosed with Dysthymia  (which is persistent depressive disorder) and OCD.

I also have trouble with sleeping so, for now, I’m trying out melatonin as my psychiatrist has suggested. I was taking Remeron but it made me sleep for 3 days. I will say that I rather enjoyed that but I can’t live my life and sleep at the same time.

Doing these things has helped me get back in touch with what I want to do with my life and I do love to teach about Tarot, Intuitive Art, and Magical Subjects. I can’t do that and sleep my life away and, through the help of these two wonderful ladies, I am starting to get back on a routine.

Depression can hit at any time and it’s more than sadness. Depression plays with my mind all night and day, convincing me that I’m not valuable and leads down one hell of a rabbit hole of thoughts. My therapist likened it to Youtube where you have all these recommended videos that you keep clicking on and, before you know it, the sun’s rising because you stayed up all night. She is teaching me skills to help curb that and the proper sleep I am now getting also is a tremendous factor in my self-care.

Now, sadness is different in that…

Ok. Here’s an example. I was sad when Ash VS Evil Dead was canceled but I wasn’t staying up for days on end worrying about it to no end. It is what it is and I accepted that. Moved on. Does that make sense?

As far as the OCD is concerned, I am just now getting to that part in my therapy to help control that in a better way where it’s not affecting my productivity. Going in with the mindset that I can only control the here and the now is a huge help. I was able to focus enough to take part in a LiveStream Summit this week in a Facebook Group which was a lot of fun. I taught a workshop on how to welcome water fairies into your magical practices.

I think that looking back on what has worked and what hasn’t worked for me has been a great deal of help in me moving forward and not getting trapped in my thoughts so much.

When my mother passed, someone asked me will I ever get over it. I told them that you never get over it, you can only learn how to cope. I feel the same thing applies to my depression and OCD. I probably will never really “get over it” but I will work on learning how to cope with it.

Thank you so much for reading and I hope you’re all have a fantastic week.

With all my love,

Susan M.

P.S. If you’d like to watch my workshop on the Water Fairies I did yesterday, here’s the link to that video.

As part of the Summer of Magic Live Summit 2018 hosted by Christina Quick of the Heart-centered Spiritual Biz Support FaceBook Group, I was invited to participate hosted by Christina Quick of the Heart-Centered Spiritual Biz Support Group on Facebook in sharing a talk on a Magical Being and – of course – I had to choose the Fae Realm.

I answer questions that the participants asked as well as gave a lecture on:

  • Who/What are Fairies?
  • How you can invite them into your practices?
  • Rituals you can perform.
  • How to make Crystal Elixir.
  • And so much more!

Hope you enjoy my presentation and thanks for watching.

You can grab the Free e-Book I talk about here: http://bit.ly/WaterFairyWorkshopGIFT

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One thought on “Retrospectively Thinking About My Depression

  1. I resonate with the thoughts that you share here. For instance, that you don’t just “get over it.” I was watching a CNN tribute to Anthony Bourdain and these exact words came up. I was so passionate about their profession of this idea on national television. It’s an important discussion. Whether talking in respect to Anthony Bourdain or my thoughts recently, I can say that life can be amazing and seemingly perfect to the outside world, but that doesn’t mean that the darker feelings don’t still exist to some degree.

    Coping is how I would phrase it too. You can reach a good quality of life where you are present and showing up, but the anxiety and depression can still be present. It’s not something that can be shut on and off. Thanks for sharing this post and these feelings.

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