Why We Fight

Fight, or fighting, can mean different things for different people. It does boil down to some sort of struggle.

The question must be asked, “Why we fight?”

For myself, I have been struggling with something for a very long time – almost as long as I’ve been alive. It’s not been always that way because there was a time when I was truly happy. I had my family all together and, though we had our problems, I knew that we would make it through those rough spots.

Then, I started to get acquainted with the reality of mortality when I was 9 years old. I could not understand why things happened such as heart attacks, cancer, and car wrecks that would take people away from me that I cared about. In my mind, I was convinced that the closer I got to people, the more likely they were to face death.

So, the start of an internal struggle to deal with that inside and not talk about it so much with others become my method of dealing. Not the most ideal way of handling these sort of problems, I know that now.

I was told awhile back that I have a ‘pensive’ expression – like I never smile. Going back and looking through old photos of myself, I do see that – the not smiling thing.

oldsusanphoto
Susan – 2003/2004

So, fighting against this depression is just as hard as fighting a fully corporeal entity. Fighting against your own thoughts of wanting to cut yourself away from people. Not getting too close because, in the end, people do pass away – death is a part of life. A terrible part and I wish it wasn’t that way. Losing people.

But the good memories start to fade when I think only of the losing part. Then, it becomes a struggle of keeping focus on not the bad part but redirecting that to the good parts of life and the time that was spent with those that were lost.

The side effects of trying to go at this fight alone are very real. Anxiety takes root and the hopes of actually being productive and doing things you need to do everyday become harder to actually accomplish. Hesitations of being around people.

So, the thing about fighting this battle of depression and anxiety is that you don’t have to go at it alone. I finally realized that, after three decades, by taking the first three months of this new year and working towards a goal. I did something I have in the past but ran away from. I’ve tried to talk with a therapist but never made it passed the first session.

Not this time.

I’ve been talking to this Doctor and he helps me to see things in a different way. I have been battling this a long time and I know that I’m not alone. Though this fight has lasted quite a number of years, there is a truth to be found here.

I’m not ready to give up. I want to not be so withdrawn and in the dark anymore. It is dark. I’m not speaking about that in a figurative manner. It seems like nothing will ever get better but there is absolutely no shame in asking for help.

As humans, very sentient beings, we have the potential to feel all sorts of emotions – love, pain, grief, happiness, joy, and sadness – and that’s just the tip of the iceberg. Sometimes, they can get so out of hand and things get off balance.

Yesterday, when he and I talked, he said it was all about balance, just like one of those scales in a high school science class.

Why we fight, then?

To find that balance, that sweet spot, where we don’t get drowned in our own emotions and become so out of it.

People all over the world fight for different things, things that matter to them. With the knowledge of knowing that you aren’t alone and it’s okay to reach out when you need that help, it very well could be a fight that can be won.

Sending you all love and hoping that y’all have a fantastic weekend. Thank you so much for stopping by my little piece of the web.

Love and Light,

~Susan

P.S. Here are 10 Songs that I listen to for a morale boost. Enjoy!

Shake It Off – Taylor Swift

Stronger – Britney Spears

Love Me Or Hate Me – Lady Sovereign

Respect – Aretha Franklin

Masterpiece – Jessie J

F**ckin’ Perfect – P!nk

A Woman’s Worth – Alicia Keys

Just The Way You Are – Bruno Mars

This One’s For The Girls – Martina McBride

“Juicy” – The Notorious B.I.G.

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7 thoughts on “Why We Fight

  1. Depression can suck the life and the spirit out of you. I hope the clinician you found will finally help. Good luck!

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